petak, 25.03.2011.
"Family"
I don't know how or what I am but I must be a genius since I've acomplished this. I have fulfiled every parents' dream and managed to be the greates disapointment to my own.
How does one who is responsible, a almost straight A student, a person that doesn't smoke, drink or does drugs end up to be a disapoinment? Everyone makes mistakes but were my actions mistakes as well? Would it be all all right if I were an irresponsible brat, if I made trouble, if I failed a subject or a year in school? Would things be better if I went out and got waisted so bad that I idn't know where I was, if I came home without some of my clothes and with no memory of what hapened the prevous night? Would it be better if I've done drugs, got arested, stole something? Should I have done all that? NO! Was my biggest mistake not being a spoiled brat? NO! Would it made a difference if I was? I guess not!
You work so hard your entire life to please someone, to get some love and attention. You grow up before you were supposed to, you try to get attention by being the best not the worst you can, and what do you get? Tears and pain. For all your effort you get to be damaged goods. An emotionaly setback person. A lifetime dissapointment.
My cousin said to me my family, my sister, my mom and dad, my brother are going to be the ones here for me in ten years from now? Who did he mean? My sister who I haven't spoken to for almost a year because she's acting like a 5-yearold. My mother who considers me a dissapoinment of a life time. My brother who doesn't understand any of it 'cause he's still to young?
Another cousin told me I can't screw over my family because of a boyfriend. Did she knew that that family of mine screwed over and „thru me away“ because of one?
What do you do when the easiest thing would be to consider them dead and you cant? What do you do when your own family puts you down insted of being your support? What do you do when you only have people who gave birth to you and with whom you spend your childhood with – because you can't consider them family anymore? What do you do when your efforts and belifes and tryes hit you on the back? What do you do when you have no real family? Noone to help you stand, noone to help you rely on but your self?
WHAT DO YOU DO???
All you can do is try. Try to stand on your own. Try to make your own family. Try not to do to them what others did to you! Just try!
utorak, 06.04.2010.
Life as it is
How can I make it stop...the pain..the sorrow...the eternal incontempt..? No matter what I do or who I'm with it always hurts...in some way... Wether if the love I feel is much greater then theirs..or a lot smaller....
All my life I've been trying...addapting to others... and when it comes to love shouldn't we? But for how long...and with what concequences? Should we go agains our own rules and principals just to prove something that can't be proven? When we give, do we asspect to be given back? We should be given back...but do we have the right to be that selfish and asspect it?...Do we make others addapt to us if we truly do love them? Do we set them lines and ultimatums that we realy should respect ourselves but don't?
Is you..your personality...the person you have been worth loosing for the one you love if... if he makes you loose it? If he's not willing to accept you for who you are? The only person that deserves your tears is the one that won't make you cry...so is the person that deserves your love and sacrifes going to make you do things you don't want in order to prove he has them? Is he going to want you to let go of the past if he is still holding on to it? Is he going to want your trust even if he refuses to have any trust in you....because of others?
I do mistakes. I addmit my mistakes. I keep following after I've been pushed away 'cause I'm too week to let go. I bend my rules, I twist my selfastime for someone else to feel better...for them to stay by my side. I sacrifice myself only for the reason that I belive they don't have it in them to appologise and to see thing from my point of view...so I look at things from theirs.
I just don't know how long will they make me go?...How much of the real me will I loose before I crush...or before... they crush me.
ponedjeljak, 16.11.2009.
I found my Romeo, I found my Juliett, I found my Jelena, I found my Helena, I found my Kate...I found my mate...if only all my love would turn into hate!!
Hope is a bitch! But if so...why do we still hope?
Knowingly step into pain and sorow...but things can change if we want them to..but realy want them to...no second thaughts...no doubts..no looking back!
I would like if I could change a few things but I'm not sure if I want to...
I want....I want to put up a wall higher than any mountin..put it all around me and never let anyone in to my world! Block all the filings...kill all my love.. just to be cold....dead inside...if I could dry out all my tears... vanish all the pain from my heart..but I can't... I knew what I was leting myself in and I didn't care.. I knew...the endless amounts of love broke me within... the wide smiles turned into oceans of tears...oceans which will be closed inside me...never let to float...it's waves smashing the edges of my heart over and over 'cause of the seasless winds and storms that rattle me within keeping me cold and frozen in memories... I'm turning in a rock inside out... soon I'll be just a pupet on a string....instead walking trough life I'll be draged thru it...
draged by my hope that one day the strings will brake...or that I'll be the one puling them....that I am going to nit my own destny..and never to pull those wals down... never to let anyone in again...I know myself and my luck and if I ever loose control...if I ever cave in it will be because I've opened the doors... Those led doors...chanined and locked in every way....which's keys have been trown away and baried...and will hopefully never be dugg out again..
not by him or anyone else.... and if only he weren't the original key...cause I don't know how long I'll be able to resist his tryes to unlock it...or how long I'll be able to keep them locked if or when those galactic amount of feelings burst out again....
Giving up is not an option and it never will be..but sometimes walking away isn't giving up...sometimes it just means you're strong enough to let go...
The time to test my strenght has come...and now we'll find out just how strong a broken person can be... but broken over and over and still stand just keeps me want to fight more.... I am not dead yet and until I die I will fight.. I'll fight every friend...every secret...every good feeling... cause with all the good comes so much more worse!!! INDIFERENCE is my only friend...it can't hurt me...it won't...cause if I keep it I won't love so I won't get hurt, I won't cry, I won't hate......because I WON'T CARE!!!
Doors closed...lights are out....walls are up
ponedjeljak, 02.11.2009.
Is it even worth it anymore...should I stay or should I go?
What's the point in staying...noone even cares..
And what about going...nothing 's gona change
Which will hurt me more...to stay or to go
For now I think I'll stay
My soul crumbles inside...falling apart but I'll keep on standing as long as I'm alive
Stand by my side...just be here and I will stand for both of us for as long as I can breathe
I will wait for you no matter what it takes
You won me whan I saw you, you still own me now
I hope you can see it and won't let me down
I know what I should do but I know I wont do it because I LOVE YOU..
and I realy do...I'd give you myself, my life, my world, my blood
whatever you want and need to feel alive
Please don't loose me, keep me by your side
I was born to make you happy and I'll keep trying until I die!!
subota, 17.10.2009.
You may hurt me, you may brake me, you may crush me I will still be by your side!!
What am I doing with my life? Was it worth it...one night for a life time of distrust..
I never should of let you go...or should I say...I never should of have you in the first place!
I see what my so called friend are doing to me...they are taking advantage; and I only wonder if I see this why don't I stop, why don't walk away, why do I still care?? I gues I'm just like it. Getting emotionaly envolwed with people that can hurt me. With people who will hurt me. Pushing all the good out of my life and chose pain instead.
I'm losing it bit by bit. I can't control the sinfull animal in me anymore. I used to let it out to blow off some steam Saturdays night but now I lost that too. Along with my trustworthy and the look of a nice, normal girl. They have no cloo how strong I am or how far I'm willing to go for the people I care about and letalone the people I love. Yes - love you've read it wright. 'Cause living a life filled with pain, be willing to give all you have and so much more can be no less then love.And by saying all you have I don't mean money, gold or any of that...I mean giving your time, giving your life, giving yourself to that person...even if he doesn't notice or isn't aware what I'm willing to do for him I am ready to wait a lifetime and the eternity for him....always be by his side....even if just as a friend....If in some case he gets to be happy with someone else I will not resent or envey her...bacause I'll be happy for him....This love is so strong that in it's name I'm prepared to let him go if he only ask for it...but the fool I am I wll always wait in case he wants me back...always and forever...
And in the meantime I'll pretend to be happy as I always do, try to live my life a bit more for myself instead for others...for once...while I stil can...while my every cell don't brake of pain..and maybe not even then will I say a word, let a sound out and barely scream...Why? Because that's the path I chose...that's the choise I made...That's something I have to live with!!
utorak, 21.07.2009.
Politika
Postoji li danas nešto šo me živcira više od politike? Odgovor je: Ne
(Osim možda Jadranke Kosor)...Nije bilo dovoljno što nam je školstvo ionako u k*rcu, a sad nas još ubijaju u pojam(a naše roditelje da ne spominjemo).
Dakle za neinformirane (mada ne vjerujem da takvih ima kad je Jadrankino ima u apsolutno svim novinama, a kao da to nije dovoljno i u časopisima i kako bi rekli sad se bojimo da će uskoro iskakati iz konzerva paštete ) ukinuli su apsolutno sve dobro što su mogli, nabili onima koji imaju najmanje ogromne svote novca za platit tj za ne dobit i onda se još žale i s*ru kako su i oni jadni u recesiji i kako je i njima teško i kako i oni moraju štedit. Naime Kosorica je prije par dana izjavila da nema perilicu suđa i da joj ni ne treba nit da je želi. Sve jadna pere na ruke. Ma i ja bi prala sve na ruke da svaki dan jedem u skupim restoranima i da ih plaćm tuđim parama!!!Poslovni ručovi...moj šu***
Ja ću zbog nje porošit 10 000kn za prijevoz, između 2500 i 4000kn(ovisi oću li pit vodu u wc-u ili si kupit nešto za popit) te najmanje 1000kn za knjige. I dobiješ 2/3 MJESEČNE plaće jednog saborskog zastupnika. Toliko o jadnim političarima i nihovu stezanju remena. Ja na bonovima za mobitel(od 50kn) živim mjesec, dva a oni jadni mogu potrošit SAMO 400kn ili tako nešto!! Non-stop pile stezanje remena, rebalns i tako te, a danonoćno sjede zavaljeni u foteljama,pričaju gluposti, daju intervjue i slikaju se okolo i još se usude kukati da mi ne stežemo svoj remen dovoljno.
Mi nismo anoreksičari da stežemo svoje remene za Guinnesovu knjigu rekorda ali oni zasigurno mogu pokušati kao svjetski najveći sebični rasipnici.. (Pa i mogli bi i ne bi im bilo žao kad naravno ne rasipaju svoj novac!!!)
vidimo se u školi ili bolje rečeno na štrajku!!
Don't be u wimp - let's show them what we're made of!!
četvrtak, 05.02.2009.
PAY BACK
I didn't think it was posible that that little BITCH,..correction huge bitch would get so much into me. She almost broke me. I am sick of putting up with her. 
Her succking up, her smile that sounds like a hienas…people around her look at her like she is a god. That little clones and servents of hers with absolutley no personality. How could I let them and their words to get to me. The worst part-they also hurted my friend.
I don't care if you mess with me I can stand it 'cause of all I've been trough but they can't mess with my freinds. 
You know what they say
„Sticks and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me“
And from now on thats the way it will be.
The few people that know me a bit know that I would rather choke than admit that I am braking.(doslovce)
In case you didn't know when I get realy upset and freak out or start braking down I can't breathe. Cute ha? That's why ,among other thinghs, I ended up in the E.R. a couple of months ago…
But when I get my peaces together you'd better look out for me because
what goes around, comes around!!! No exeptions made!!!
From now on I will do everything I can to make her life misserable and stilll turn out to be the victim. That shouldn't be a problem-she is giving me more and more amunition every day
TO BE CONNTINUED.....
četvrtak, 11.12.2008.
People are idiots
Why do they care about what other people think??
What matters is that you stay who you are. So what if they don't like you?!?
Fuck them. Stay strong. people are idiots anyway. They don't care about you!
They only care for themselves. Don't let them brake you.
We don't exisit to be clones but to be DIFERENT!!
Diferent is NOT bad...people who are afraid of it ARE....
Let them controle you.......you're a goner
Let them change you........you're week
Let them care.....but you don't....you're alone
Let them be what they are....you'll show just how big of a persone you realy are!!
srijeda, 29.10.2008.
Here we go again..
Evo ja pisala blog 20 min. Da bi mi komp zablokirao!!! Da bi onda pisala još toliko i slučajno iskopčala komp. Grrrrrrrr
Post od jedne frendice natjerao me da se okrenem i pogledam na svoj
život i da shvatim nešto grozno. Da shvatim kako sam se izgubila.
Postala sam ono što mrzim. Počinjem se pretvarati u NJIH.
Ne želim biti ona dvolična osoba koja je protiv nečeg dok god onih koji
su za to nema. Izgubila sam se zbog svoje slabosti.
Uvijek je bilo teško biti drukčiji i ne raditi ono što i svi, ali koje koristi od toga,
ako izgubiš svoje mišljenje, svoje stavove i najvažnije svoje prave prijatelje.
One koji ostaju uz tebe u svakom trenutku i koji ne bježe kad ti najviše trebaju.
One koji te ne tjeraju da radiš ono što ne želiš; koji te ne podcjenjuju i ne osuđuju…
A ja sam to učinila. Pristajem na sve iz bog zna kojih razloga.
Više nemam one snage u sebi. Oduvijek sam voljela raditi nešto drukčije.
Biti ona koja se ne boji novih stvari, a sad je to postala muka.
Ono što drugi misle o meni postalo mi je važnije od onoga što ja mislim o sebi.
Prije me je bilo briga što drugi govore o meni.
Bilo mi je važno da se sviđam sama sebi, a onaj koji misli drukčije mogao si je………..
Želim opet biti ona stara. Ona koja se ne boji biti drukčija.
Želim da mogu uživati u životu, biti spontana i da mogu reći NE
kad god to poželim.Želim da vratim sebe, onu koja se ne skriva iza šminke
i veselog lica. Želim da opet mogu osjećati nešto i ne žaliti zbog toga.
Želim opet imati snage suprotstaviti se onom što ne volim, ne želim; suprotstaviti se onom ŠTO NISAM!!!
Jer život bi tako trebalo živjeti.
Uvijek vjerna sebi i drugima.
Uvijek biti uz prijatelje i obitelj.
Uvijek voljeti ili mrziti zbog sebe, a ne zbog drugih.
Uvijek biti tu za one koji te trebaju.
Pokazati ono što uistinu jesi bez obzira na posljedice.
Ima Mimi pravo: BOLJE DA TE MRZE ZBOG ONOGA ŠTO JESI, NEGO DA TE VOLE ZBOG ONOGA ŠTO NISI!!!
P.S. dobre vijesti su da je meni i dečku super i probat ću stavit i koju slikicu, ako uspijem
srijeda, 24.09.2008.
škola i druge muke..
ej ljudovi sta ima???...
evo škola počela pa čak i ocjene..
izgleda da su profesori užurbaniji nego inače..
Evo ja prošli tjedan bila bolesna ali sad sam ock. osim što me boli sve
oko rebra i ključne kosti kad udahnem, kad se smijem, kišem,štucam...
skužili ste a?.....
inače u razredu sve po staro sa starim ljudima a ima i par novih a oni su ok.
sada mi samo malo fale izlasci i ljubavni život-nije da ga nemam nego zbog
bolest nisam mogla van u subotu pa tako ni dečkla pošteno vidit al' nadam
se najboljem...
Dragi me ček pitao ako bi s njim oi frendovima 3 dana u Poreč(mislim)
za Novu godinu....rekla sam mu da pričeka s tim koji mjesec..
evo zašto...kažeš starcima da nekamo želiš jako, jako ići, puno unaprijed
(npr.2-3 mjeseca) i onda što god napraviš krivo
(dobiješ 1, ne obavljaš kućanske poslove, razbiješ nešto...)
oni ti to zabrane i onda si unesrećen jako dugo....taktika je....
pitaš ih najviše mjesec dana unaprijed ako je jako bitno
(npr.ako treba rezervirat sobu za ljetovanje, ideš nekamo na par dana
bez nadzora starijih osoba i sl) i ond zadnjih 2 tjedna cirka budeš zlatna
dušica da ti nema tko što
zamjeriti i onda je ono...mama znaš kako sam te pred___ vremena pitala
da bi prekosutra išla _______ sa ________..mogu ić...
žs obzireom da si je stvarno pitala ne možre ti reći razmislit ću...
a i nema ti što zamjeriti pa u biti nema izbora...........
što mislite o savjetu???
Se vidimo i čujemo ljudovi...
P.S. moram pod hitno još nekomu dat ime bloga...
reklo bi se da znam tri osobe koje me podnose...buuu
uživajte u životu dok ga još imate
Kety
